Christian Fundamentalists Last In Funny Hats
IJC loses ground, but beats nearest competitor

A report by the Agency of Cranial Garb Surveyors (or Kopf Corps, as they are more generally known) shows that Christian fundamentalists have fallen far behind in the use of funny hats, well known to play an important – if not crucial – role in secret societies and world-domination conspiracies.

The International Jewish Conspiracy, once second only to the French Nobility, is now fifth in the global rankings, behind Tibetan Buddhists, exported Indian mystics, alien abductees, and the Russian Orthodox Church, whose Primate scored extra points for being named after a monkey.

The good news is that in the US, InJewCon still ranks well ahead of its toughest competitor, the Loony Fringe Rightwing Psycho Network, Inc. (popularly called the Moral Majority). When not in Texas or attending sporting matches, the headgear of most Loony Psychos is generally as negligible as a baseball cap, although there was talk of the judges considering Ann Coulter's entire face as a scoring entry.

The Shriners, who have long depended on occasional mass fez wearing to counter their otherwise hatless ways, came seventh in the regionals, and the Church of Latter Days Saints was disqualified for attempting to submit a man’s natural head of hair cut short back and sides by a five-dollar barber.

“In the important realm of funny hats, we are, it is true, falling behind several other special interest groups worldwide,” admits Sonny Ungerer of Noggin Coverage. “Many, like the Tibetans, have long been producing good, even great head work, but few of them had our global reach. Now others are catching up to us. We are happy though, to be so far ahead of the fundamentalist goyim and the bell-ringers. Regionally only the abductees are that far ahead, and we have to give them credit.”

He nonetheless intends to challenge the US ranking, hoping to overtake at least the Russians.

“What we lack recently in hats, some Members more than make up for by tucking their trouser legs into their socks. The Kopf Corps knows that and didn’t score fairly.”

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