The Conspiracy Strikes Back "De-Bapping" to Thin Mormon
Ranks in Retaliation for Baptism of Jewish Dead
The Church
of Latter-day Saints, a religious sect founded by a man who
claimed to learn the word of God by putting
his face in a hat, has been baptizing
the dead, including up to several hundred thousand Jews. The
International Jewish Conspiracy is fighting back with a sweeping
program of de-baptism that will forceably "choose" Mormons
and other Christian fundamentalists for inclusion in G-d's favorite
tribe.
Jews to have been baptized include Menachem Begin, a former prime
minister of Israel, diarist Anne Frank, and the Baal Shem Tov, the
spiritual leader whose teachings form the basis for the Hasidic
movement.
Non-Jews to have been baptized
include Adolf Hitler, formerly a Roman Catholic.
While the practice has angered some, spokesmen for the Catholic
Church have admitted that "perhaps it was time for Mr. Hitler
to move on."
"He brought us nothing but grief, that meshuggineh, and although
we weren't going to excommunicate him any time soon, we're relieved
to have him off our hands, frankly," said one anonymous source.
"As a sign of gratitude, the Holy Father has offered them Torquemada,
First Grand Inquisitor of Spain, too. He keeps calling late to kibbitz
about his reputation and it really bothers His Holiness."
A Different Kind of Goy
The Church of Latter-day Saints embraces many beliefs not common
to other Christian traditions. These mostly arise from the Book
of Mormon, charitably described by Mark Twain as "chloroform
in print" and often considered racist.
Among the text's many claims
are that native Americans descend from the lost tribe of Israel,
that Christ visited them on the American continent, and that the
color of their skin is a punishment for rejecting his teachings.
Some say the text orginates with a plagiarism of IJC's own Book
of Shlomo, which tells of the time Moses parted the Atlantic
Ocean and visited Bermuda for a one-week vacation with room, half-board
and discounted wind surfing lessons included in the price of the
parting.
We Do It Better
"Mormons baptize the dead using a practice known as proxy
baptism, which allows a living person to stand in for the deceased,"
explains Yosef Shmidt, counter-Mormon intelligence specialist. "The
process is slow, and requires a ceremony that includes complete
immersion of the proxy in water. 'De-bapping' is done on a specially
consecrated Macintosh G-4 computer, known as the Mac A/B. It's faster,
and since you use fewer towels, better for the environment."
The process submits the subject to a virtual bris, six years of
Hebrew lessons zipped into 8.3 seconds, several heavy meals and
a bar- or bat-mitzvah at which virtual relatives talk about the
subject's acne. "All told, it takes 14.2 seconds per goy, and
we think we can improve on that with firewire."
It's a Surprise The Church of Latter-day Saints makes no effort to inform
the family members of those baptised by proxy; the only way to know
if your relatives have been baptised in death is to look for their
names on the Mormon's on-line International
Geneological Index. To request the removal of a family member
from their records, follow
these instructions.
Key
Events in the Baptism Wars 1962: Church
of Latter-day Saints' First Scuba Squad floods an Italian cemetery
with holy water. Dozens of dead Catholics, six atheists, nine
Jews and one of the country's first Buddhists are lost in the
encounter.
1976:
InJewCon operatives from the Genuch Committee, coated with water-proof
jelly, pose as proxies. Hundreds of baptisms are voided as bone-dry
agents are dipped repeatedly. One agent who "warmed the
water" when he thought no one would notice was subsequently
expelled from the IJC swim team.
1979:
Mormons in Detroit go door-to-door asking residents if they
are dead yet. The search proves fruitless, although one person
admits to having a head cold.
1984:
The first computerized de-baptisms are performed on a mainframe
in Geneva. It takes over 11 minutes per subject and a programming
glitch leads to the production of a number of Zoroastrians.
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