Levi's
Genes
Corps of Injewneers harness science for
dangerous and mystic ritual plot
Genetic technology is being used to recreate dangerous and mystic
rituals in the homes of unsuspecting gentiles, causing many to be
drawn unconsciously to work for INJEWCON.
"Of course many people join the International Jewish Conspiracy
for the prestige, and the cuisine is a big draw, too - everybody
loves hummus - but to expand faster we’ve turned to new ideas,"
says Moishe Smith-O'Neill, director of the International Jewish
Conspiracy's Department of Dangerous and Mystic Rituals.
When Rabbi Loew of Prague created the Golem
in 1580, he placed a piece of paper in his creation's mouth; the
powerful magic words written on that paper gave the monster life.
"We do something similar now with genetic modification. The
lettered DNA in sugar, salt, and other products used in most store-bought
foods and drinks have all been genetically modified to spell phrases
from the Zohar
and other mystic texts. If Reb Loew could bring Jewish sentience
to a big pile of city mud, then there must be a way to do it to
the average American honky."
Whereas Rabbi Loew had to recite a magic spell, the DDMR uses television,
radio, and cell phone technology. "Communications satellites
listen for and then stress words that are part of the incantation.
Every seventh word spoken on game shows and reality TV make sentences
which, played backwards, recreate powerful and important kabbalist
prayer or lines from the Beatles'
Magical Mystery Tour album."
The Inhuman Genome Project, which studies such nonhuman subjects
as the Golem, the Yeti, Pat Robertson, and Area 51 specimens, have
made major breakthoughs in the last decade. "We are closer
than ever now to understanding how nefarious plotting affects ribonucleic
acid."
Mr. Smith-O'Neill says the results are undeniable. "Through
thought manipulation, we've moved a lot of shmaltzed herring. No
natural phenomenon can sell that stuff."
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