IJC Yet to Choose US President
"44" Still Up for Grabs

The International Jewish Conspiracy's Government Oversight Committee have still not decided who they will install as America's next president, with talk of George W. Bush, the 43rd white man to hold the office, being replaced by an as yet unnamed "44."

Committee members are known only by their symbols of office, and cannot be named. The Usher of the Golden Rod of Solomon, who oversees the top-secret group, was not available for comment, but his assistant, Large Knobby Thing, spoke to IJC staffers earlier this week.

"The last election did not go as smoothly as we had hoped," Large Knobby Thing admitted. "After all our hard work, most people still voted for Al Gore. We had to abuse every available system to get our goy in office. When it became clear that Bush would lose the election, we knocked the courts around, illegally purged voters from registration, and invented election results. I made a cousin of mine in Florida vote for Pat Buchanan three hundred times. You know what that does to a man? He's still in therapy."

Top rigging official Joe "Boss" Baum conceded the point. "People caught on, and we can't let that happen again. This year's choice has to be someone we can sell to the American public. There should be no last-minute scrambling."

Bush Has Problems
The Keeper of the Silver Spoon, who has overseen George W. Bush's meteoric rise from AA reject to International Jewish Conspiracy puppet, fears his protege may be a one-hit wonder amid suggestions that Mr. Bush isn't acting much like a man seeking re-election. "He 'guestimates' new job figures, makes up a lot of hooey about going to Mars. Who told him to do that? Tell lies, fine. But Mars, for Christ's sake? Although compared to the job figures, space travel looks like a walk in the park."

Some internal strife has arisen over the issue of proper vetting, with some accusing the Keeper of the Silver Spoon of not looking closely enough at Bush's military record. "He told me he'd been paid. I thought, the National Guard is the wimp-out option - who'd wimp out of the wimp-out option? If I'd known, we could have paid someone to cover for him, but now it's too late."

Personality an Issue
"He used to be so much fun," recalls the Lord High Bearer of the Cheese Platter. "I remember my wife saying to me once, 'Who was that coked-up cracker? Boy, did he make me laugh.' What happened to the mixed-up kid who couldn't make a simple sentence? Now instead of just getting high, he gets all high and mighty, tells us we're going to hell, and his friends are so morbid. It's a bore at parties."

So Who Will It Be?
After shutting down the Howard Dean campaign amid fears that his administration might provide Americans with universal health care, INJEWCON has narrowed the field of Democratic contenders to two members of the goy senate - but if either one is going to the Oval Office, no one is telling. The Bush campaign will go ahead, with ads, conventions, and big special-interest fund-raisers.

"We don't use these stupid code names for nothing," Large Knobby Thing jokes. "Our decision will be a secret you can learn on 'election' day."

InJewCon's Government Oversight Committee "electing" Warren G. Harding in 1921.

A Matter of Competence
"It's not that he said all Jews are going to hell. After all, stupidity is what we pay him for. Besides, we checked with Upstairs, and we hear George is going to be pretty surprised when he gets to the other side, so it's sticks and stones," Silver Spoon told INJEWCON. "It's that every time he tries to think for himself, he gets it wrong. When we told him to screw the economy, we meant with his stupid tax cuts, where the rich would get the extra. Instead he pours it all into the desert."

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