IJC Special Chanukah Edition
A Time to Celebrate and to Baffle Gentiles

Not only is Chanukah a time to share with your loved ones and to remember the Miracle it commemorates, it is also a time to confound goyim, and to reflect on what that means in these hectic and difficult times.

The Kwanzaa of the East
"We have at least five different spellings of Chanukah, and they're all misleading in terms of pronunciation," says Chaim Loewenthal from the Dept. of Strained Orthography. "Writing holiday cards is a nightmare for non-Members. An extra N? An extra K? Both? To C or not to C - that's a joke, what's wrong with you people? And for what do you need the last H, your health? That's a joke, too. Wow, this is a tough room. Anyway, there are pitfalls everywhere, especially for a people who have such trouble spelling they have to write 'Christmas' with an X. I told them we should have called it Goymas. 'Dreidl,' by the way, is no easier. Even a novice can spell that six different ways." He adds, "The double A in Kwanzaa doesn't even come close to this confusing. Only the Hindus can claim to have outdone us, and did they ever miss the boat on important December holidays. I doubt they'll ever catch up. "

Not So Much a Feast as a Series of Snacks
Studies show that the origins and practice of Chanukah are as difficult to grasp as its name - and everyone, it seems, wants to claim responsibility.

"It's all about the odd historical details," says Dr. Frankel R. Leavis, of Records. "With a perfectly good battle raging, the thing you get worked up about is a lamp? It makes no sense. Then, it involves a guy called Judah Maccabee, or 'the' Maccabee, and sometimes even Judas Maccabeus even though he has nothing whatsoever to do with Easter. He's fighting some nogoodnik named Antiochus IV, also unhelpfully known as Epiphanes - neither of which rolls gently off the tongue - who's a Syrian, but called a Seleucid, and speaks Greek, in an era when Christian years are being counted backwards. Is it any wonder the goys get confused? I'm not even sure I understand it all."

According to S** R*****, Secretary of Timing and Distances, however, "It lasts eight days, which makes employers crazy, and goyisher guys shtupping Conspiracy Memberikehs never know what that means in terms of gift buying. They generally err on the side of a warm bed at night and overspend. We're the only fly in December's economic ointment."

The Festival of Light also starts on a different date each year. A Dept. of Calendar spokesman says this is the real source of gentile confusion. "If you want to know when Chanukah is starting, it's easy: take the 25th day of Kislev, then assume the Hebrew calendar of 13 months, alternating 29 and 30 days, carefully adding 7 months every 19 years. Before Rosh Hashanah - which is in September if it isn't in October - add 3,761 years to the Christian date. After Rosh Hashanah but before January 1st, add one less. Then adjust the whole thing to be sure Tishri doesn't begin on a Friday or a Sunday, which would lengthen the Shabbos, or a Wednesday, which might possibly put Yom Kippur on a Friday, and there you have it. This is also one of the reasons we have trouble getting converts."

Some Common Spellings of Chanukah With Pronounciations:

Hanukkah: pronounced Chanukah.

Hanukah: pronounced Chanukah.

Hanuka: pronounced Chanukah.

Chanukah: pronounced Chanukah.

Channukah: pronounced Chanukah.

IJC Chanukah Special Continues!
Dreidl: Game with no rules?
more>

The New Protocols Are Here!
Now you can read all the latest Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion, right here online!
more>

Read the Latest Minutes
See the report from the Star Chamber's December Cabal.
more>

INJEWCON Brokers Polish Administration in Baghdad
The beleaguered, unpopular, and cash-strapped American Administration of Iraq will transfer control of a portion of the occupied city of Baghdad to a beleaguered, unpopular, and cash-strapped Polish Administration, perhaps as early as next week.
more>
 
INJEWCON Lowers US Taxes
Two Members to Benefit.
more>

“Passion” Fatwah Recalled
Moishe Heschel, an 85-year old tailor from New York’s upper west side, has been disappointed to learn that the Elders of Zion have chosen to over-ride the Fatwah he declared against arch-Catholic actor Mel Gibson early last week during a light lunch.
more>