The New, Improved Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion
The International Jewish Conspiracy Proudly Announces the Very Newest Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion

It was feared that days of difficult caballing under often physically demanding conditions might lead to an impasse on certain key issues, but important compromises have resulted in a set of protocols that everyone agrees rival the originals in breadth and foresight.

New InJewCon Protocols include:

Protocol CCCXXI: No Nation Left Behind
Through nefarious and underhanded dealings, the International Jewish Conspiracy has installed morons and incompetents in positions of power in several key governments throughout the world. The ambitious “No Nation” protocol calls for the investiture by 2010 of at least 36 new national-level leaders handpicked for poor leadership and diplomatic skills, dubious moral fiber, or sub-average intelligence.

“2010 is coming soon, but we’ve already had a lot of important successes,” says Jeffrey Schwartz of Governance. “Installing Berlusconi consolidated the national and private media of all Italy in the hands of one worldly individual who, let’s just say, has never admitted to chopping down any cherry trees. In Spain, Prime Minister Aznar has drastically reduced faith in government almost entirely through the use of poorly considered facial hair. And in America, let me tell you, do we have it made!” Schwartz, however, calls on the Membership to be vigilant: “Howard Dean is a real worry to us. Putting Bush in power called for manipulation of the polls, the judicial system, and the media. People are getting smart to the operation and there is a good chance someone with a 3-digit IQ could be back in power if we don’t keep an eye on things.”

Protocol CCCXLIV: The Eighties Revival
By exercise of influence in the “rag trade,” INJEWCON expects to revive the clothing of the 1980s. Not only will wearing only one glove cause great physical discomfort to the goyim, it is expected that the unattractive fashions will lead to a decline in the marriage rate, thereby undermining the “traditional” family. Dozens of unnecessary zippers on pants and jackets will leave most goys groping for untold minutes to find their change or house keys, and the constant rattling noise of excess buckles will let caballing Members know when a fashionable goy is near. Many older gentiles will have a sudden impression of being surrounded by Eurotrash; the ensuing panic will allow the International Jewish Conspiracy to tighten its grip on the entertainment and deli industries around the globe.

By joint resolution, Duran Duran will be encouraged to continue their revival tour. Says singer and long-term IJC member Simon LeBon (né Lebonski), “It’s a mitzvah!”

Protocol CCCXC: Enormous Oeuf
Enlarging chicken eggs a drastic 4-8% will lead to a growing cholesterol problem among breakfasting goyim, shortening their lives by hours, possibly even days. This will be done using growth hormones allowed under relaxed farming and food production standards introduced by a series of Republican governments. Thrust early into widowhood, grieving shiksas will turn to the International Jewish Conspiracy’s “Stud Corps” for emotional and physical solace.

A Happy Occasion
"Oy, am I glad that's over," says Bibi Cohen, IJC Court Reporter. "Getting time off from work for this, it's worse than jury duty. And do cemeteries give me the creeps, already. Why can't we just meet at my sister's apartment, I keep asking? She has plenty of room and it's near the subway."

Full texts of all Protocols can be read in the latest Minutes of the Star Chamber.

The Exciting History of a Conspiracy and Its Protocols
1866: Protocol XCI, known as the Size of Currency Protocol, makes the US five-cent piece, or nickel, thicker and broader than the more valuable dime. Mass confusion ensues.
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1891: The Tiny French Elevator Protocol means dozens of French claustrophobics are forced to take the stairs.
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1895: The Sound and Light Protocol calls for the invention of moving pictures. Auguste and Louis Lumierewitz change their names and go undercover.
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1920: The Eighteenth Amendment Protocol is enacted by the puppet Congress of the United States and becomes more widely known as Prohibition. At least fourteen people die at the mere idea of the ban.
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1942: Protocol CVII – the so-called Barbra Streisand Protocol - leads to the birth of Barbra Streisand.
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1950: Media manipulation under the Shlong Directive creates an explosion of stories about the virility of black males.
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Are You a Giant Lizard?
Conspiracy theorists have claimed that most members of the Illuminati are, in fact, giant shape-shifting lizards. The International Jewish Conspiracy's Medical Corps investigates.
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IJC Chanukah Special
The Miracle of Goymas.
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T&A Campaign "Still a Success"
The policy of using naked females to distract viewers’ attention from INJEWCON’s growing media stranglehold has been deemed a success worthy of extension. Committee members celebrated with a screening of Porky’s.
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Affirmative Action May Go
Long-term plan to dilute Gentile bourgeoisie in peril.
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INJEWCON to Allow Arnie Campaign
Can run despite “unnerving” accent.
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