T&A CAMPAIGN “STILL A SUCCESS”

The policy of using naked females to distract viewers’ attention from INJEWCON’s growing media stranglehold has been deemed a success worthy of extension. Committee members celebrated with a screening of “Porky’s”.

Vice-Chairman Aharon Elyakim says, “We all knew buns were going to work, but the overwhelming success of boobs, what a surprise. You don’t even need to show nipples, which is a good thing, let me tell you. After the surgery some of those ladies got none left.” He also noted that informal research showed the effect to be equally strong on women, despite a widespread belief that women don’t care for female nudity. “Have you seen the covers of the ladies’ magazines? The kiosk near the bus stop is like a house of disrepute, not that I look.”

Rebbe Shmuel Levi, spiritual advisor to the Minyan which oversees T&A, noted, “Have breasts not always been a powerful source of distraction?” He also revealed that the policy has had a profound personal effect on his life. “Ever since my wife saw “Bound”, I haven’t had a good night’s sleep.”

Recently assimilated Department Chair Douglas Edwards-Jones says he was unsure of the program’s value when he took over from Morty Cohen last year, but has since changed his mind. “It just seemed a little vulgar to me,” admitted the Stanford graduate. He now says that although the Christian Coalition and other competitors might have stronger grass-roots structures in the mid-western and southern parts of the country, even there the T&A initiative remains strong. Another department affiliate who spoke on condition of anonymity explained this. “Good old boys should be immune to tochas? You see “Swordfish”? What a stinker. But the bristen on that Berry woman, they did almost as much for race relations in this country as installing that cracker, Johnson, in the White House, may he rest in peace. They were worth every penny we spent on them, and we spent a lot, you know: two mil. That’s a million dollars a nipple. Even I get less done since that film came out. Like most Jewish kids, I grew up thinking all women's breasts were at least a C cup. Those little ones are a nice change, so firm. You're going to see those at home without a VCR?”

Everyone seems to agree that distraction is a very powerful business model. Ari Finberg, Interim Deputy Mohel in charge of Fine Arts, Tourism, and Firearms, thinks this has inspired recent Whitehouse tactics. “Bush has used poor language skills, inconsistency, and the principles of the absurd in all his recent speeches, and he got fifty grand knocked off his taxes for it. The fat one did even better, 300,000. They’re like Laurel and Hardy, those two. ‘The French don’t have a word for entrepreneur?’ The man should be on Ed Sullivan.” He added, “Incidentally, a word for week-end, the French don’t have, which concerns me.”