All the Schemes That Are Fit To Print
The Exciting History of a Conspiracy and Its Protocols

The original Cabal in Prague Cemetery gave rise to few protocols - only 24, in fact - but the Elders of Zion have diligently added to that list over the years. Here are some examples of past protocols, each devilishly designed to confound the gentiles:

1866: Protocol XCI, the Size of Currency Protocol, makes the US five-cent piece, or nickel, thicker and broader than the more valuable dime. Mass confusion ensues, and many people under-pay charwomen, thereby fomenting Bolshevism among the scrubbing classes. An addendum to this protocol leads, in the 1970s, to the creation of the Susan B. Anthony dollar, sized the same as a quarter. Mass panic follows as many people unknowingly over-pay for their newspapers and leave extravagant tips. The unclaimed tip revenue alone results in a massive $970 loss for the IRS, a deficit erstwhile CIA director George Bush, Sr., can only recoup through the sale of chemical weapons to Saddam Hussein. The International Jewish Conspiracy brokers the transfer of what is later revealed to have been 30,000 liquid tons of ginger ale. The real chemicals are diverted to make the orange color used in cheese-flavored snacks.

1891: The Tiny French Elevator Protocol means dozens of French claustrophobics are forced to take the stairs, resulting in many hours of lost work time. Leaving for their offices early in order to compensate, these poor gentiles are forced to drink less coffee, resulting in a 0.000000385% fall in coffee exports from both Africa and South America, and a general feeling of sluggishness, or else to drink faster, causing hypertension. Possibly related to the growth of the divorce rate in northern Europe. American tourists, shocked at the stinginess of French elevators, begin planning holidays in the Poconos.

1895: The Sound and Light Protocol calls for the invention of moving pictures. Auguste and Louis Lumierewitz change their names and go undercover to plant the seeds of globalized bad taste. A visionary plan. Mass panic ensues but is quickly replaced by inertia. Jewish grain dealers around the world diligently unload tons of otherwise worthless kernels of dried corn devoid of flavor. International Jewish Conspiracy members celebrate at the home of a man named Oscar.

1920: The Eighteenth Amendment Protocol is enacted by the puppet Congress of the United States and becomes more widely known as Prohibition. At least fourteen people die at the mere idea of the ban; seizing their chance, the Elders of Zion institute the Mafia, create the Canadian border, and invent bootleg liquor. Meanwhile, unprecedented incidents of sober driving incite car manufacturers to build increasingly fast vehicles. Coupled with crippling traffic, these potential speeds will one day lead to a phenomenon known to the gentiles as Road Rage, but to International Jewish Conspiracy members by its more accurate and menacing name, Goy Rage.

1942: Protocol CVII – the so-called Barbra Streisand Protocol - leads to the birth of Barbra Streisand. Mass panic ensues. The US, Belgium, France, Uzbekistan, Spain and Madagascar sever diplomatic ties with the Conspiracy. Reconciliation requires several years of difficult negociations and, in strict accordance with IJC tradition, performance of the ancient Ritual of the Armed Invation of Grenada, executed in 1983 to confirm ratification.

1950: Media manipulation under the Shlong Directive (sub-section D-6 of the infamous Protocol CLXI) creates an explosion of stories about the virility of black males. The American Heritage Foundation fights back with the ill-fated “Size Doesn’t Matter” Initiative; no one buys it. Their next counter offensive, “The Motion of the Ocean,” meets with greater success but is finally dismissed by most observers as “too little, too late."